Availability: participating Bells

Location: 3511 W. Devon Ave., Chicago, IL 60659 (map); phone: (773) 588-9712

Rating: 3 out of 5 – acceptable

New menu items can obviously be hit-or-miss affairs, but Taco Bell’s additions have been surprisingly more pleasant than they seem to have any right to be. And while the Triple Layer Nachos didn’t stick to their Value Menu pricing as well as their Cheesy Double Beef sibling at my particular location (they’re listed at 79 cents online, though the web site does warn that prices and items may vary), the meatless combination of “nacho chips, covered in simmering red sauce, hearty beans and nacho cheese sauce” remained quite palatable — and under a dollar (even with tax).

Traditionally, whenever I order a plate o’ nachos from a border Bell, I get bored about halfway through when I run out of cheese and start to wonder how the tortilla chips would taste with some slices of jalapeno. In this case, I didn’t even miss the usual ground beef as there seemed to be enough beans and nacho cheese for at least two-thirds of the contents in the container. Mysterious red sauce strikes again, but makes little impact (on taste or perceived spiciness), leaving me to rip open the necessary Fire Sauce packets for any meaningful kick. Still, for a Taco Bell dish without meat, I’m shocked again by how my relatively decent experience is only enhanced by the budget price point. If only all meatless dishes could be as gooey and filling — without making me yearn for beef.

Promotion: Subway Get Smart sweepstakes, instant-win game

Location: 6843 N. Lincoln Ave., Lincolnwood, IL 60712 (map); phone: (847) 329-8134

Rating: 3 out of 5 – acceptable

I like entering online contests, but some sweepstakes are clearly more giving than others. I was lucky to win more bags of these Flat Earth Baked Veggie Crisps from Frito-Lay than I knew what to do with (thanks, CAG), and the winning e-mails just began to form daily in my inbox like the evening dew. It had been a while since I’d stepped foot in a local Subway sandwich shop, but I knew I was in for trouble when the person working there had never seen my winning redemption e-mail before. Fortunately, the deeper inspections, personal-information taking, and management consultations would come after this initial trip, freeing me to enjoy some free veggie crisps after a brief and relatively pleasant round of counter confusion.

So what’s all this Flat Earth talk about? Apparently, Frito-Lay decided that Baked Lays didn’t take the health quotient far enough for some customers, so in addition to baking these crisps, they decided to meet some of your daily nutrient requirements as well. Emblazoned across every 1-1/4 oz. bag of these “impossibly good” blends of rice, potato, and vegetables is the reminder that there’s “1/2 serving of real vegetables in every ounce” of these crisper chips, which are made up of more rice flour than potato flakes (as listed by priority in the ingredients list on the back). This rice-potato flip-flop seems to produce an almost Pringles-esque effect in taste and drying of the mouth (albeit in a thicker, sturdier, and more ridge-laden package), though Pringles still has more dried potatoes (and vegetable oil) than rice flour.

As for the Tangy Tomato Ranch part of the equation, the ranch component appears to derive from the cheddar and Monterey Jack cheese, sour cream, butter, garlic powder, dehydrated onion, and other natural and artificial flavors thrown in there. There are “spices” and ascorbic acid to help with the tang, but the main flavor that serves to distinguish this instance of the Flat Earth label is its tomatoey-ness. Tomato paste and powder, combined with dehydrated red bell peppers and the ranch factor already mentioned, produced a first impression of dried spaghetti sauce on the tongue. Nearly two weeks later with a second bag (acquired with relatively little trouble, thankfully), the ranch taste seems to dominate the overall flavor more, but the note of tomato still manages to filter through as one of those unexpected sensations near checkout lines typically reserved for SunChips, also made by Frito-Lay and sold by Subway.

All that to say that Tangy Tomato Ranch produces some unique flavors not altogether unpleasant in combination. If you haven’t tried a crisp or two, it could be an interesting new experience for ya. But should you lay down the cash — and not a winning e-mail print-out — to give it a try? Hard to say, so this Ranch will have to remain just within the borders of acceptability for me. At least this crisp can say it’s different.

Promotion: coupon for a free Frutista with any purchase

Location: 3511 W. Devon Ave., Chicago, IL 60659 (map); phone: (773) 588-9712

Rating: 4 out of 5 – good

It can sometimes be hard to find a good (frozen, virgin) strawberry daiquiri at higher-end sit-down restaurants, and that certainly is the case at fast-food places, too. What I would settle for, however, is a reasonably priced fruity slush — which might be considered as less thick, but more easily drinkable than a smoothie. Taco Bell seems to have answered my prayers with the Frutista Freeze, a permanent addition to its lineup, now available in Strawberry and Mango Strawberry. Both versions are topped with real strawberries (which I suppose makes up for the fact that there’s “natural fruit flavors,” but no actual “fruit juice,” inside).

Nevertheless, these 16-oz. cups are mostly sweetened with “natural” sucrose rather than high-fructose corn syrup (see the May 15th official press release here), and the Freeze tastes great and goes down real easy with your standard-sized burrito. Not only was it simpler to slurp up through a straw than a milk shake, but there was virtually no flavorless ice left at the bottom when I’d sucked that frozen drink almost dry (unlike a number of airier Slurpees I’ve known). It’s just the drink for a hot day, and it doesn’t necessarily need another non-dessert complement to help wash down the food, either — a big score for value.

McDonald’s might be moving in the specialty coffee direction for its chain-wide new-beverage initiative, but I’d take strawberries on a sucrose slushee anyday. Frozen fruitiness for the win.

Availability: participating Bells

Location: 3511 W. Devon Ave., Chicago, IL 60659 (map); phone: (773) 588-9712

Rating: 3 out of 5 – acceptable

It’s interesting that when I finally got around to reviewing something from Taco Bell, there’s a new salmonella scare surrounding raw tomatoes that’s got chains around the country pulling fresh tomatoes off their menus. Taco Bell is, of course, not immune to the dangers of bad marketing (nor unfeeling as to its customers’ health), so it was fortuitous that I already wanted to check out a menu item that included no diced tomatoes whatsoever. (The additional Fire Sauce I sprinkled on later presumably uses fully cooked tomatoes in its formula.)

Taco Bell has been making some additions to its Value Menu lately, and the most recently advertised Cheesy Double Beef Burrito seemed appetizing enough to try. Considering its simple composition (”A fresh tortilla filled with double the seasoned beef, nacho cheese sauce, seasoned rice and red sauce”), I wasn’t really expecting to be blown away — and just to get that out of the way, I wasn’t. But it’s not a bad deal if you don’t mind ground beef (which I find tasty in burritos and tacos from the Bell and elsewhere) or the slightly liquid-y nacho cheese sauce. The seasonings for the beef and rice were terrific as far as Taco Bell is concerned, as I remember the beef tasting (and looking) worse 10 years ago.

I don’t know what’s included in the “red sauce” that rounds out the list of ingredients in this new burrito bad boy, but along with the nacho cheese, this combination of flavors actually didn’t have me pulling for the hot sauce until I was well over halfway through. A trip to Taco Bell generally means multiple packets of Fire Sauce per order for me, so that could be considered somewhat of an accomplishment. (The Fire Sauce packets are the red ones with bits of veggies and spices thrown in, as opposed to the mostly liquid Mild and Hot Sauces.) By the end of my tortilla, however, I grew somewhat weary of the easy chewing and simplicity of contents. I began thinking about how the cheesy softness reminded me of mac & cheese and began coveting the challenge of harder meats like the pricier steak and chicken. For now this would have to do, but it’s not that bad when it’s just under a buck.

Location: 6321 N. Lincoln Ave., Chicago, IL 60659 (map); phone: (773) 588-8282

Rating: 4 out of 5 – good

After the blander Southern Style Chicken from McDonald’s last week, going to Popeyes seemed the right thing to do to satisfy my hunger on a late afternoon. I wasn’t going for the standard assortment of fried chicken, however, as I had another chicken sandwich in mind, this time the Chicken Deluxe… done up spicy like. (Of course, you could order this filet mild, but you’re not getting the full Popeyes experience if you go that route.)

Back when Popeyes was promoting this sandwich for a dollar-ninety-nine, I stopped by several days in a row — at several different locations — to see how well the spicy filet would hold up to repeated exposure. Somewhat surprisingly, the freshly fried preparation was perfect in juiciness and temperature nearly every single time in that span, forcing me to declare the Po’ Boy replacement my favorite fowl in a bun. Revisiting it at the regular price point proved to be a rude awakening, unfortunately, as the dry meat was far removed from my previous experiences.

So what happened? As far as I can tell, either someone botched the frying of the filet to cause this inordinate dryness, or the filet was already cooked and sitting under a heat lamp instead of made-to-order as in the past. Judging by the piles of non-sandwich fried chicken sitting in heaps under the lamps waiting for the next customer, that might very well be the case. In any event, the Chicken Deluxe didn’t live up to my high expectations this time around, but it was still relatively tasty despite the state of the filet. Perhaps ordering just one at a time, when no pre-cooked filets are in sight, will better facilitate some juicy, but high-heat chicken in the future. My current rating rests on that hope. Asking for a fresh filet (and waiting for it) might help, too.

Promotion: free chicken with drink-purchase deal

Location: 6900 N. Western, Chicago, IL 60645 (map); phone: (773) 274-6151

Rating: 2 out of 5 – forgettable

McDonald’s other all-white meat addition to its menu was supposed to be better than its crumbling biscuit counterpart (at least in my mind), but it managed to fall short while regularly listing for a dollar more than its breakfast-based brother. So how’d this somewhat larger sandwich manage that? Surprisingly, by not making itself more memorable with a crazy crumbly bun. The Southern Style Chicken Sandwich is simply bland and perfectly fits the description of forgettable.

I found this simple sandwich lacking in flavor, far from being “perfectly seasoned” as McDonald’s would like to call it. My meat seemed dry and barely enhanced by the Vlasic-esque pickle slices that served as the only accompaniment to the chicken. The spongy bun here harkens pleasantly back to the soft bread adorning the Filet-O-Fish, but there wasn’t much else to base a recommendation of this sandwich on, especially when it goes for basically three bucks normally. For that much, I’d much rather point you to the made-to-order spicy chicken filets used in the Chicken Deluxe Sandwich over at Popeyes instead.

My dining companion noted a seemingly greater juiciness in a second sandwich ordered, so the dryness could merely be a function of poor preparation or pre-prepping for a promotion period. Regardless, this other sample was reported to be relatively bland as well, an impression preferably not left in one’s mouth for a fast-food review (or lunch, for that matter). Strangely, I also noticed that “Lonely Ronald” and his bench had disappeared from the outside front of this Chicago location. Ronald, why have you forsaken me? At least I consoled myself by sharing half a Double Cheeseburger afterwards to make it all better.

Promotion: free chicken with drink-purchase deal

Availability: breakfast hours

Location: 6900 N. Western, Chicago, IL 60645 (map); phone: (773) 274-6151

Rating: 3 out of 5 – acceptable

My nearly all-McDonald’s day started off with a late breakfast of fountain drinks and a new breakfast offering called the Southern Style Chicken Biscuit, whose main claim to fame is the inclusion of all-white meat in a biscuit bun. Didn’t really expect a lot going in to this combo promo, but the chicken wasn’t half bad. What annoyed me was how crumbly the biscuit halves holding the chicken were; the edges kept falling to pieces on me.

This biscuit sort of reminded me of the golden biscuits at Popeyes, except these were drier and less greasy (which perhaps contributed to the excess crumbling). In size, this biscuit sandwich resembles the KFC Snacker, for better or for worse, and isn’t too outrageously priced at a regular tab of $1.89. There’s just no extras included with the chicken patty — like any sauce, lettuce, or pickles — so the biscuit rises or falls on the merits of the meat and carb container it finds itself in. I wouldn’t mind having another, but the biscuit seems to be the weak link in this chicken chain.

Promotion: Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day

Location: 1634 Orrington Ave., Evanston, IL, 60202 (map); phone: (847) 869-2640

Rating: 4 out of 5 – good

Eaten: 1 block away

After random tastings of Ben & Jerry’s socially aware fare over the years, it just felt right to swoop in to a Scoop Shop and begin to more systematically sample its sweets. The cone, at least, came free. (As well as the ice cream, though it was hard to tell exactly how much my scoops usually cost, if they cost anything in addition to the cone; the waffle cone was clearly listed as regularly selling for 99 cents). Not encumbered by the restrictions of price, I had come to check out the simple charm of a Chunky Monkey, as B&J’s concoction of “Banana Ice Cream with Fudge Chunks & Walnuts” is known. After making the Chunk my first priority, I had come to learn that it was apparently a favorite flavor of a friend of mine, so the urgency with which I waited ten minutes in line — out the door in downtown Evanston — became all the more acute as the metered minutes ran down for my publically parked car. Thankfully, the Monkey pulled through, oddly pleasing in a way… much like eating banana nut bread even.

Fans of artificially flavored banana milk might be surprised by the natural fruit tastes subtly expressed in the cream, leading to the sensation I mentioned earlier of eating nut bread with the walnuts spread in good proportion in the mix. Wide but thin wafers of fudge round out the Chunky Monkey’s main ingredients, but don’t distract from the overall impression that its creators weren’t going for something that was too sweet to enjoy in large quantities. This Monkey’s not mind-blowing, but it serves as a sort of frozen comfort food someone could reliably order and still have a good time with. Steady, not flashy.

Oh, and if you were wondering where I finished this, the aforementioned line winding in and out of the shop left no room to even comfortably stand and consume my free treat indoors. Instead, I walked about a block to an outdoor dining area set up for the Flat Top Grill over on Church Street. You might notice the restaurant’s placemat resting on the table in each picture’s background above. So I thank the proprietors of Flat Top for a place to finish my ice cream on a bright but briskly cool spring day.

Availability: 11 A.M. – 5 P.M., Mon. – Sat.; call to be sure

Location: 1724 S. River Rd., Des Plaines, IL 60018 (map); phone: (847) 699-8590

Rating: 5 out of 5 – great

Status: independent

Judging by the regular restaurant hours listed above, you can see how this decidedly non-chain establishment doesn’t really cater to the dinner crowd. Reports seem to indicate lines out the door on Saturdays, so the 5-10 minutes I might wait on any given weekday to make an order might appear quite reasonable in comparison. If the time (and fuel spent) driving out to this northwest suburb from the city only makes a trip out to River Road that much more doubtful, take heart: the Char Cheddar Burger at Paradise Pup is destination dining for this Snob, and it’s well worth your money.

The picture above represents the bright but brisk Tuesday when this clearly medium to medium-rare burger found its way into my possession. (The squeamish might request a more medium-well char to their meat.) The weather remained cold enough to prevent dining out on the round picnic tables outside, so some shade — perhaps from this very photographer — snuck its way into a sandwich pic yet again. What could not be ruined, however, was the mix of Merkt’s cheddar cheese and grilled onions to produce one of the finest specimens of the cheddar burger around.

For additional examples of the proper char cheddar burger further east and in the city proper, you could try the versions offered at Poochie’s in Skokie, Wiener and Still Champion in Evanston (less greasy), or Wiener Circle in Chicago (perhaps more so). If, as a cultured omnivore, you’ve never had the pleasure of Merkt’s cheddar slathered on your burger up to this point, then a sampling at one of these outposts is strongly recommended. While not as goopy and artery-hardening in sensation as when poured over French fries, Merkt’s could still be quite a shock for neophytes driving half an hour out of their way for a first impression. Others have acknowledged the Pup’s merits, but make sure you order the Char Cheddar Burger (presumably starting with a third of a pound of beef) and not any other for a true taste of Paradise.

As a final topper, the slightly charred bun provides an appropriate contrast to the gooey burger’s insides. Just make sure to call if you’re planning any special trips out here, however, especially around the holidays; last December, they were closed for two weeks starting from the 22nd. Makes sense, but phone first?

Promotion: 69¢ cheeseburgers

Location: 5940 N. Ridge Ave., Chicago, IL 60660 (map); phone: (773) 271-9638

Rating: 5 out of 5 – great

Referenced repeatedly in the past, it’s high time we finally gave this baby a review. Obviously, I’m a big fan, as a visit to White Castle rarely passes without one of these sub-dollar sandwiches passing through my gullet. And what’s not to love about this perfect combination of meat, grilled onions, spongy soft buns, and jalapeno cheese? Contrary to the picture on the web site, the cheese we see here’s some variation on Swiss or provolone. Whatever it is, it plain works better than regular American, especially with the spicy burn at the back end (uh, of the throat) that makes it all worthwhile. This is the cheeseburger you should order when you’re at White Castle.

Not only do all the flavors meld well together, but the hit to the wallet’s quite favorable as well, as you can likely buy one from just the change you can scrounge up around the house. And this little wonder will be well worth your time, whether coming after some freshly fried rings or a bunch of lesser Slyders. Unless spicy food absolutely doesn’t work for you, you owe it to yourself to grab one (or a handful) to feel that pleasantly hot buzz radiating from your stomach after you’re done. A little heartburn medication would be a small price to pay for this trip. [Note: the FastFoodSnob is not a physician, so please take this recommendation under advisement.]